A letter from God

Dear Christianity,

Here’s the story:

A Jewish zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul, which will allow you to live forever in a heaven where everything is as it should be. This is a force that is present in humanity because a woman, created from a rib, was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

Yeah, that’s the story we’re going with.